Growing While Grieving: When Your Values No Longer Fit the Life You’re Building

I showed up to my therapy session in tears.

Not because something catastrophic had happened.
Not because someone hurt me in a dramatic way.
But because I felt like I was losing something… and I couldn’t quite name it.

All I knew was that it felt hard to keep asking for what I needed.
It felt unfair that I was honoring everyone else’s preferences while mine stayed on the back shelf.
And it felt lonely to keep showing up with a full heart for people who—without malice—were not doing the same for me.

And as I sat in front of my therapist, tears quietly streaming, she said something that changed everything:

“You may not be broken. You may just be out of alignment… with values that are no longer yours.”

The Truth About Old Values

I didn’t know I had outgrown my old value system.
I didn’t even know that was a thing.

What I did know was this:

I consistently found myself on the other side of self-hurt and self-abandonment.
Not because I wanted to be the martyr.
But because I had internalized a system of values that prioritized honoring others above honoring myself.

It wasn’t conscious. It wasn’t malicious. It was taught.
It was the culture. The community. The silent rulebook of being the “good one.”

Be available.
Be helpful.
Be kind.
Be understanding.
Be gracious.
Be quiet.

I had made that list my Bible. And it was exhausting me.

The Day the Song Triggered Something Deeper

I was back in Los Angeles visiting family.
There’s something about being back home that brings everything to the surface—the joy, the memories, the emotional landmines you didn’t know were still active.

We were all at my mom’s house—laughing, catching up, sharing a moment.

And then a song came on.
Brown Skin Girl.

Without thinking, I began to sing along.
It’s one of those affirming songs that makes you want to stand a little taller.

But my sister cut in, quickly and sharply:
“You can’t sing that song.”

It landed heavy.

She’s darker than me. And in that moment, I could feel the wound beneath her words—one I hadn’t caused, but had just touched.

What followed was a hard, necessary conversation.
One about beauty, colorism, visibility, and pain.
One about the stories we tell ourselves to cope.
One about what happens when we’re no longer willing to dim or disappear for the sake of keeping someone else comfortable.

And I had to speak my truth—not because it was easy, but because I couldn’t stay silent anymore.

There had been so many moments like that one in my life.
Moments where I minimized myself, not because I agreed, but because I didn’t want to cause more pain.
Moments when I bit my tongue. Let things slide. Swallowed my truth.

That day, I didn’t.

That day, I chose growth.

But it hurt.

Growing Isn’t Always Glorious

There’s this idea that growth is all journals and candles and empowered declarations.

But sometimes growth is:

Sitting in a therapist’s office, wondering why you feel so unseen
Having to say, “I know this hurts, but I can’t keep ignoring what’s true for me”
Grieving the version of you that kept the peace at all costs

That’s what I was doing.
Grieving.

I was grieving the loss of my old self.
The one who was always available.
The one who didn’t ask for much.
The one who could shrink and smile at the same time.

She kept me safe for a long time.
But she couldn’t come with me into this next season.

Your Old Values Weren’t Wrong—They’re Just Outdated

I want to be clear:
The old values weren’t “bad.”

They were rooted in survival, family, love, and loyalty.

But they weren’t mine anymore.

And what I’ve learned is that when your values shift, but your relationships, routines, and boundaries don’t, everything starts to feel off.

You start to resent the things you used to do with love.
You start to feel invisible in the spaces where you were once the anchor.
You start to question if you’re the problem…

But you’re not.

You’re just different now.

You’re Allowed to Grieve What You’ve Outgrown

Grieving doesn’t always mean crying in the dark.
Sometimes it means standing in the mirror and saying:

“I know this version of me made it this far… but I can’t keep living from these rules.”

And that’s not betrayal. That’s honesty.

It’s okay to feel the ache.
It’s okay to miss the simplicity of who you used to be.
It’s okay to be afraid of who you’re becoming.

But it’s also okay to keep going.

Because what used to work… just doesn’t work anymore.
And pretending it does will only slow down the blooming.

Let’s Talk About It

This is a soft space.
And I want to hear from you.

Have you ever felt like your old values no longer fit?
What have you outgrown that you’re still afraid to release?

Drop it in the comments. Not to explain yourself—but to honor yourself.
We’re growing. We’re grieving. But we’re not going back.

Not now.
Not ever.

#SlowerWealthierHappier