I still remember the exact moment I realized how much I had been ignoring myself.
It was during my second or third therapy session, a milestone I had reached because I was turning 40 and grappling with the nagging thought that my life should feel different—better, somehow. On paper, things were good, even great in some areas. But in my heart, I knew something was missing. I had high expectations for myself (too high, as my girlfriend lovingly reminded me). And because I kept moving the goalposts, it always felt like I wasn’t enough.
So there I was, sitting across from my therapist, spilling out all the ways I thought I could improve my life when she interrupted me with a question that stopped me cold:
“Do you trust yourself?”
I froze. Trust myself? I didn’t even know how to answer the question. And in that moment, I realized the truth: I didn’t.
The Moment Everything Changed
At 40 years old, I realized I didn’t trust myself because I didn’t know myself. I had spent years cultivating relationships with others—friends, family, coworkers—and building my connection with God. But I had no relationship with me.
I didn’t know my own voice. I didn’t know what made me happy. I didn’t even know the answers to questions as simple as, “What brings you joy?”
The shame I felt in that moment was overwhelming. I thought, How could I have made it this far in life and not know myself? But the truth was undeniable. My sense of self had been tied to what I could do for others, to external achievements and validation. I didn’t know who I was at my core, and I certainly didn’t trust myself to figure it out.
A Decade of Discovery
That session marked the beginning of a decade-long journey to find my happy. It wasn’t easy. I spent an entire quarter crying through therapy sessions because I was so stunned by how disconnected I was—from my own body, my spirit, my soul, and my personhood.
But little by little, I began to rebuild. I committed to being honest with myself, even when the answers felt embarrassing or incomplete.
When someone asked me, “What’s your favorite thing to do?” I learned to say, “I’m not sure yet.” When I felt something stir inside me—a hint of joy or excitement—I started paying attention.
And slowly, I began to piece together the puzzle of my happiness.
The Hard Questions That Lead to Happiness
If you’ve ever felt like I did—disconnected, unsure, or overwhelmed by where to start—know this: happiness begins with honesty. You have to ask yourself the tough questions and be willing to admit when you don’t know the answers.
Here are a few questions that helped me reconnect with myself:
- What truly brings me joy, outside of what I do for others?
- When was the last time I felt happy, and what was I doing?
- What are the small, everyday things that make me smile?
The answers didn’t come all at once, but each one was a step closer to finding my happy.
Building the Habit of Happiness
Reconnecting with yourself and cultivating happiness takes time, but it doesn’t have to feel overwhelming. Here are some small daily practices that helped me:
- Start Each Day with Intention:
Before diving into your to-do list, take a moment to ask yourself, “What can I do today that will make me happy?” It can be something small, like listening to a favorite song or taking a short walk. - Explore What’s Free:
Sometimes happiness is just around the corner—you just have to look for it. Check out free workshops at your local library, explore community events, or visit a nearby park. New experiences can open doors to unexpected joys. - Create Space for Reflection:
Dedicate a few minutes each day to journaling, meditating, or simply sitting in silence. This time allows you to tune into your thoughts and emotions without distraction. - Say “Yes” to Yourself:
Give yourself permission to prioritize your happiness. If something sparks your interest, follow it. Even if it’s as simple as trying a new hobby or saying no to something that drains your energy. - Celebrate Small Wins:
Finding your happy doesn’t mean waiting for life-changing moments. Celebrate the small victories, like trying a new recipe, making time for a favorite activity, or simply taking a day to rest.
Happiness is a Journey, Not a Destination
Looking back on that moment in therapy, I’m struck by how much I’ve changed. Today, I can say without hesitation that I trust myself. I know what makes me happy, and I’ve built a life that reflects it.
But that journey wasn’t about perfection—it was about progress. It was about being willing to sit with the hard truths, ask the tough questions, and take small, consistent steps toward joy.
You Can Find Your Happy, Too
If you’ve been feeling disconnected from yourself, I want you to know that it’s never too late to start. Happiness isn’t something that just happens; it’s something you create, one small habit at a time.
So start where you are. Be honest with yourself. Ask the hard questions. And remember: you are worthy of a life that makes you truly, deeply happy.Because here’s the truth I’ve learned over the past decade: Happiness isn’t about what you do for others—it’s about the relationship you build with yourself.
Slower, Wealthier, Happier 
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